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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22970551">Searching My Soul</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee'>Nadja_Lee</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Angel: the Series</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Kidnapping, Mental Breakdown, Moving On, Sad</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>1999-07-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>1999-07-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 14:27:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,646</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22970551</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Angel and co. gets captured by the Initiative. Spike deals with loss.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cordelia Chase/Spike</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Searching My Soul</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Note: In my universe Angel Investigations did NOT blow up, The episode the Prodigal NEVER happened, the Initiative is still there and there is no Adam etc. Also this story takes place about 3 years after the season final of “Angel”.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Searching My Soul      </strong>
</p><p>
  <span class="u">Part 1:</span>
</p><p>“….And then I saw this dress in the window and I just <em>knew</em> that it was made for me. I mean how often do you see that kind of offer on a designer dress?? Anyway I …”</p><p>Angel tried to focus on Cordelia´s ramblings about her trip to the mall but he had trouble staying interested in her glorious tale of shopping. Instead he found himself getting lost in her beauty. His eyes travelled from her cute small feet, up her long legs over her flat stomach to her breasts and finally settled on her face. As she sat by the table in his kitchen, her eyes glowing over the excitement of the shopping she had done, she reminded him of a black-haired temptress. Gods, she was beautiful. He mentally slapped himself. This was Cordelia for crying out loud! His friend, his companion. He loved Buffy, did he not? This was not supposed to happen. He did not know when his feelings towards Cordelia had turned from friendship to family until he realised that he loved her. In the dark when Cordelia said he was brooding he had really been trying to sort out his feelings towards the beautiful young woman. He loved Cordelia, he knew it and through his actions, the length he went to protect her he sometimes feared she would discover just how deep his feelings were. At night when he awoke from yet another nightmare, either from his killing days or from his trip to Hell and Cordelia would come and comfort him and sit with him, he had more than once been very close to tell her he loved her. One time he even had done it but Cordelia had assumed he meant he loved her like a sister and had told him that she loved him too. Many times he had wondered if he should not tell her before this flame in his heart treated to burn him from the inside out. But he knew it would do no good. It was not that he doubted that he could make Cordelia love him like a woman loves a man because they were already so close it almost seemed unavoidable. It was just that he had tried it all before with Buffy and that had not worked out. He was not sure he could survive that heartache again but most importantly he doubted he could hold himself back if she just once whispered to him that she loved him like he loved her and then he would hurt her. Or rather Angelus would. And to make matters even more complicated he still loved Buffy. Not with the same flame as he did Cordelia but she had been his first love in over 200 years and such a love is not something that you just forget. Or maybe it was. He still twisted in pain at the thought of Buffy in another man’s arms. And then this Riley´s arms. He was not sure why he hated the thought of Buffy with Riley more than with any other man but there was just something...not quite right about that guy. Angel sighed deeply. If only the unlife were not so damn complicated. He forced himself to listen to Cordelia´s tale instead of thinking about his feelings.</p><p>“ I am sorry to cut this short but I really must get going,” Wesley said with what seemed like real sorrow in his voice but Angel had seen the younger man looking fanatically at his watch for the last 15 minutes of Cordelia`s tale as if he by sheer willpower could make the minutes go by faster so he could get away from what seemed to be a whole series of shopping tales.</p><p>“ Ok. Do you mind walking Cordelia home first?” Angel asked as he stood up, seeing his own chance to escape.</p><p>“ I don’t need a babysitter,” Cordy protected but she did it more out of habit than anything else. Over the last 3 years she had found out just how dangerous a city L.A. really was.</p><p>“ I know but I just want to make sure that you come home safely,” Angel said as they all went upstairs to the office. They were halfway to the front door when Angel halted.</p><p>“ What?” Both his companions asked him as they stood still besides him. Over the years they had come to respect Angel’s sense of danger.</p><p>“ I thought I heard something,” he said and strained to listen more carefully. Suddenly several men in commando clothes stormed through the door, guns in hand. Angel immediately went into a protective position in front of the two humans.</p><p>“ What do you want?” Angel growled warningly at the man who seemed to be in change. The man ignored him as one would an unwanted animal.</p><p>“ Take them,” he commanded and the commandos rushed forward.</p><p>
  <span class="u">Part 2:</span>
</p><p>Angel began deflecting punches and delivering some of his own. He was about to break the neck of one of the men when he smelled the blood running through the man. They were human. With vampire speed he broke the man’s arm instead leaving him incapable of joining in the fight again. As Angel fought two more he quickly looked for Cordelia and saw that even though she used the fight technique he had showed her she was no mach for the military trained men. He looked for Wesley and found the same.  His anger over the desperation of the situation made his face shift into game face and as always when that happened Angelus were closer to the surface and he fought with the brutality of an animal in a trap. It was just barely that Angel remembered not to kill his opponents.</p><p>“ Stop,” a man’s voice cut through his anger hazed mind. He looked to the man in charge and saw that some of the commandos had Cordelia and Wesley with a knife locked to both humans throats.</p><p>“ Stop or my men will kill them,” he said and for good measure he saw that the knife to Cordelia´s throat had drawn blood. Angel let go of the commandos and looked at the man, his anger of Cordelia´s mistreatment making it impossible for him to go back to his human face.</p><p>“ I will kill you for this,” he growled. The man laughed while two commandos took hold of his arms and forced him to his knees.</p><p>“ That’s a bold statement from someone in your position,” he leered.</p><p>“ Get your hands of me. Who are you?” Cordelia asked, her voice demanding but her eyes scared.</p><p>“ We are the Initiative,” the man said as if that should be the most obvious thing in the world. Angel’s heart sank. They had heard of the Initiative from Buffy. She had not said much about them only that they existed and that they thought all vampires and demons were soulless animals and that they experimented with them.</p><p>“ Then take me but let the humans go,” Angel said trying to make his voice sound pleading even though pleading did not come easy to him. The man laughed at him again cursing Angel to growl in warning. Had he not been weak after an attack last night and the fight just now where one of the commandos had left him with two bullets in his chest as souvenir he would have acted on his warning; human or not.  </p><p>“ We will take you AND the humans. You are in no position to ask for anything,” the man sneered.</p><p>“ Besides,” he added with a small but evil smile at Cordelia that made Angel struggle against his captors hold on him “ The woman is not human and any human who willingly follows a vampire is worth further study.”</p><p>“ But…” Angel began but was silenced by the man backhanding him.</p><p>“Enough,” he roared. “ Take them away”.</p><p>Angel struggled against the commandos hold on him and succeeded in throwing one of them of him before another kicked him in the stomach and he rolled away from him in pain. He tried to stand but several commandos began raining blows all over his body and he tried to roll away from them. He felt a blow to the back of his neck and he lost consciousness.</p><p>He watched in the shadows as the commandos took Angelus and his two companions away. He smiled evilly. Humans were so stupid. Without knowing it they had helped him fulfil the first part of his plan. Now it was time for act 2. His eyes alight with a rare glow.</p><p>“Spike,” he spit the name out. How he looked forward to seeing him suffer. It couldn’t take long now. His little gift would reach Spike soon. How he wished he could be there and see his face when he opened it. With a laugher he disappeared into the night.</p><p>
  <span class="u">Part 3:</span>
</p><p>Spike went over the floor in his small apartment for the 100<sup>th</sup> time. Still two hours until the Slayer came by. Ever since he had lost his bite 3 years ago and had been stuck with helping the Slayer and her friends he had become quite good friends with Buffy and Willow. Willow had come first but then that had not surprised anyone. Willow was a girl everybody loved. Buffy however he had first gotten on good teams with this last year when that annoying lapdog of a boy, Riley, had finally left. Sure, he would still love to suck her dry but after 3 years on microwave dinners even his desire after living meals had settled somewhat. He had come to accept his existent now that he did not see anyway to undo what the Initiative had done. In the beginning he had been so desperate that he had even considered going to Peaches with the problem but his pride ( and the fact that he would probably stake him on sight) had held him back. Again he walked the floor. Where was that girl? How much work could Collage be after all. As long as he could remember he had hated being alone and his friendship with Willow and later Buffy had also started out because he had figured that human company was better than no company at all. His thoughts wondered, as they so often did, to Dru. Dru, his dark Goddess, the love of his unlife. How he missed her. He still loved her with a passion that only 100 years together can bring. He had hated Angelus for taking her from him and that had been the real reason why he had broken the unspoken rule of sire and childe and had had his sire tortured. But the pain that Angel had felt could never mach the pain in Spike’s heart. At night when he awoke from a nightmare of a memory from years gone by he would still instantly grab after her at his site only to grab at empty air. Spike felt the familiar despair threatening to overpower him and to distract himself he went over to the cabin and poured himself a drink. Spike heard footsteps outside his front door and a few seconds later the bell rang. He put his drink down and went to open the door, his body instantly tense and ready for a fight. A young human man was standing outside with a package.</p><p>“ Hi. Are you William?” The human asked. Spike growled. Few knew his real name was William and only one could get away calling him that and that was his Sire.</p><p>“ Yeah. Why?” Spike asked.</p><p>“ I have a package for you. Please sign here,” the man said and Spike did.</p><p>He took the package, closed the door and went into the livingroom. Why his Sire would sent him a package he simply could not understand. He put it on the table and eyed it carefully. A sixth sense of his warned him against opening it. He thought about it for a moment but then he was bored and when bored he never had listened to reason. He opened it. And screamed and screamed until he had no voice to speak his misery. </p><p>“Spike?” Buffy asked as she went into the dark apartment. She had knocked on his door repeatedly but when none answered she had broken in. She searched the room for her friend. Her Slayer senses told her that there was a vampire in the house so she knew he was home.</p><p>“ Spike, come out. This is not funny,” Buffy said warningly, trying to mach her worry with anger. Suddenly a loud wail rang through the apartment and Buffy ran towards the sound that was followed by several other sounds of pain. She found Spike crushed together in the corner, his face wet with tears and his eyes without focus.</p><p>“ Spike?” She asked gently and kneeled beside him. He did not seem to recognise her as he continued to cry softly. His small sounds of pain cut her heart in half. She reached her hand out to stroke his hair but still he sat still eyes fixed on something she could not see.</p><p>“ Spike. Wake up,” Buffy slapped him hard across the face in hopes of waking him from the trance like state he was in. His head flew to the side from the power of her blow but he did not even flick. She tried sharking him but still he did not flick. Now very concerned and frightened she ran to the phone.</p><p>“ Giles? It’s me. You got to come to Spike’s place. Something is wrong with him. I can’t wake him,” Buffy`s voice fell away as she suddenly felt so helpless.</p><p>
  <span class="u">Part 4:</span>
</p><p>Willow looked from Spike still crushed in the corner to the table where Giles was sitting with his books. Spike mumbled something and the tears still fell. She had not thought that a human ( ok, undead but anyway) could cry so much. Her heart breaking for the blonde vampire she went over to him and kneeled besides him. She gently wiped away the tears running slowly down his face. Ignoring Giles warning that they did not know what was wrong with Spike and that he in this state might be able to ignore the pain in his head if he hurt humans, she gathered Spike in her arms and whispered calming words to him. He seemed to respond more by instinct then because he recognised her. His arms closed around her and he cried by her neck. Much later Willow noticed that Spike’s sobs had stopped and he had fallen asleep of sheer exhaustion. Willow gently eased him onto the floor and put a blanket over him even though she knew a vampire couldn’t freeze. Maybe it was habit that made her give him the blanket or maybe it was because she knew his heart needed the warmth.</p><p>Willow went out to Giles and Buffy who sat by Spike’s table, talking quietly as not to wake Spike.</p><p>“ Did you find something?” Willow asked and dumped into a chair.</p><p>“ Not to how to cure him but I do believe I know why he acts like this,” Giles said and looked at the two girls.</p><p>¨” Why?” They both asked him at the same time, Buffy hoping she now got something to hunt so she could help her friend the only way she knew how and Willow hoping to understand Spike’s pain so she could help him.</p><p>“ The package he got,” Giles said and pointed on the box, which still stood at the other end of the table.</p><p>“ What about it?” Buffy asked impatiently. “ I have already looked in it. It is just a doll and sand or something.”</p><p>“Oh, God,” Willow whispered and her eyes winded in horror. “ Oh, no. Poor Spike,” she whispered and tears fell down her cheeks.</p><p>“ What??” Buffy asked dumbstruck, still not getting it.</p><p>“ Buffy, the box…it is… was Drucilla,” Giles said softly.</p><p>
  <span class="u">Part 5:</span>
</p><p>Angel slowly fought his way back to consciousness. He forced himself to open his eyes even though the pain he felt all over his body threatened to send him back into darkness. He saw a small cell made of some white material with one door of glass out to a hallway with other cells across from him. He could see Wesley in the cell across from him and a little to the right. He looked tired and bruised but otherwise ok. In the distance Angel could hear voices and smell humans, demons and other vampires. Wesley looked straight ahead and yelled at someone he could not see. He looked very distressed and Angel tried to sit up to see what was wrong but found too late that it was a mistake. The pain overwhelmed him and sent him back into darkness. The next time Angel awoke he was careful not to sit or even move too quickly out of respect for the commandos handwork. They had apparently continued to hit him after he had lost consciousness. Little by little he crawled the small distance to the wall to the right and using it for support he eased himself up. He bit his lip to prevent himself from crying out over the pain that even this little movement made. He sat, breathing heavily even though he did not need to, and fought the darkness. He checked his body and found as expected bruises and cuts all over. He had 4 broken ribs, the 2 bulls still sat in his stomach, his right leg sat in a strange angle and he knew it was broken and he had a nasty cut in his left arm. Wonderful, he growled. He knew now that more then anything it was the bullets, which caused him pain. He had to remove them. Waiting a little to gain strength to the task at hand he just sat for a while. Then unable to bear the pain any longer he braced himself and searched for the first bullet. His face twisted with pain as he pulled it out. The pain made him groovy and he had to wait before he removed the other. Waiting a little longer after that painful tack was over he then painfully got closer to the prison door. He spotted Wesley sitting close to his own door, his eyes fixed on the cell on the other side of him and on Angel’s right side.</p><p>“ Wesley. Wesley,” Angel called out to his friend, sure that he would hear him through the glass. However Wesley did not move but sat as if made in stone. Angel had fought enough battles to recognise it as shock.</p><p>“ Wesley. Wes. Snap out of it,” Angel yelled to his friend, his voice taking on a cold note as it had a tendency to do when he was very concerned.</p><p>“ Wesley,” Angel’s voice was like a whip cutting through the air and Wesley turned his head towards him. His eyes showed recognition and then tears began to fall.</p><p>“ Angel. Angel, it is so horrible. I tried to… But I couldn’t help. I couldn’t,” he whispered.</p><p>“ It’s ok. It is not your fault,” Angel said, forcing his voice to be soft even though a cold hand had a hold of his heart.</p><p>“ Please Wes. Just tell me what happened,” Angel asked softly of him, hoping for the best and fearing the worst.</p><p>“ Have you seen Cordelia?” Angel asked Wesley when he seemed unable to voice what he had witnessed. He had hoped that the younger man would calm down a bit at the thought of the beautiful woman he had once desired and now loved as a sister but instead Wesley seemed even more freighted than before.</p><p>“ Get yourself together, lad,” Angel said harshly, his concern for Cordelia making his patience short with him. Wesley did an effort to pull himself together.</p><p>“ Cordelia is in the cell to your right,” Wesley said shaken and Angel instantly turned his head but saw only the white wall.</p><p>“ When you where still unconsciousness she had a vision. She saw Buffy save us and what more is she saw where we are. We are kept in a secret compound under Sunnydale University. You can enter though the University cellar,” Wesley explained his voice growing more steady now. Then his eyes held a soft glow and his voice held compassion.</p><p>“ I saw them as they beat you. They did not want you to wake up too soon. They round me up a bit too but they were most interested in Cordelia.”</p><p>Now his voice faded away and he broke down into tears.</p><p>“ What? What did they do to her?” Angel demanded to know. His mind was full of horrible things that could have happened to her and his demon demanded revenge.</p><p>“ They….they raped her,” Wesley whispered horrified, unable to continue.</p><p>Angel stared into thin air, his thoughts and mind in turmoil. He felt anger, compassion, love, regret, guilt, sorrow and a dozen other emotions he could not even make out all at once. His rage at the men who had done this to <em>his </em>woman made his demon surface and he let out a loud animal growl that told the world of his distress.</p><p>
  <span class="u">Part 6:</span>
</p><p>“ Angel…Angel?” Wesley asked softly.</p><p>Angel had been quiet for a long time after that one heart piercing wail. Wesley had let the vampire alone with his thoughts, having much on his mind and heart himself but now time was growing short and he needed the vampire’s help. Angel turned and looked at him. The sorrow and guilt in his eyes almost made him cry again but he stared back at him.</p><p>“ Angel, we need to get out of here. Please, is there anything you can do?” Wesley asked him his voice taking on a note of urgency. Angel thought for a moment. Sheer force would not get them out even if he were in any condition to muster it. That only left the mind.</p><p>“ There is one way but it is a long short,” Angel said, his voice held a far away note as if he relived something from his past.</p><p>“ Just try it,” Wesley urged him.</p><p>Angel nodded. It had been a long time since he had last allowed himself to open up to the bond that he shared with all his children. After he had been souled there had only been one childe which presence he had really missed in his mind and heart and that was William. Spike had always been his favourite childe and therefore the bond with him was the strongest. To cut himself off from that bond had very nearly killed him. Never had he felt so alone and vulnerable as when he could not fell William in his mind. Now he would try and reach Spike through the link, hoping Spike could forgive him enough to help him. Forgive him for abandoning him as he knew Spike hated him for. That and his stupid play with Dru those years ago in Sunnydale. He concentrated and opened his mind, making sure he opened only to William.</p><p>“ Spike….Spike. I need your help,” Angel called through the bond.</p><p>At first he got no reaction, no feeling through the bond and for one fateful moment he feared that he had lost Spike when suddenly Spike’s emotions slapped into his mind and soul with a sheer force that made him fall to the floor. All that pain and agony his childe felt nearly sent him into unconsciousness again but with a willpower even he did not know he processed he fought it back and concentrated on sending calming feelings towards his childe.</p><p>“ Spike, I need your help. Wesley, Cordelia and I are prisoners to the Initiative. We are kept in a secret compound under Sunnydale University. You can enter through the University cellar,” Angel explained quickly before the agony of his childe forced him back.</p><p>“ William, I love you. Please fight,” Angel’s emotions gained voice through the bond and he sent that last thought towards his pained childe before the agony forced him to shut the bond if he should not be pulled down the chaotic river that was Spike’s mind.</p><p>The one word “Dru” hung in the air between them long after the bond was cut. Afraid that what he feared was right he opened the bond to Dru only to find utter emptiness, pain, sorrow and death. He slammed the bond shut. An overwhelming guilt and sorrow overtook him. If only he had kept the bond open he would have felt her death, maybe he could have prevented it. He tried to stop the thought but it was out. That one fear he had always had when Spike was not in his presence where he could protect him: What if it had been Spike who had died? The relief he felt over that it was Dru and not Spike who had been killed added to his guilt. He forced himself to look at Wesley who still waited for the one miracle he was sure that Angel could produce.</p><p>“ I told Spike. Now it is all up to him.”</p><p>
  <span class="u">Part 7:</span>
</p><p>Angel’s voice and emotions lay as a comforting and smoothing blanket over Spike’s troubled soul and he tried desperately to break the chairs of despair that held him. Angel needed his help. He could not fail him.</p><p>“ Buffy, I think he is trying to tell us something,” Willow told her friend as she looked down at the blonde in her arms. The last 15 minutes Spike had kept mumbling something but she had thought he still mentioned Dru and had not really listened until Angel’s name had kept recurring.</p><p>“ What?” Buffy asked as she knelled by Spike and Willow. Spike still looked as deep in shock to her as ever, his eyes still looking at nothing seemly lost to the world but Willow was right. He was mumbling something. She strained to listen.</p><p>“ Angel…..Initiative….Help Angel…. Prisoner …..Wesley and Cordelia…..Secret compound…….Help Angel….Angel……Enter through the cellar at Sunnydale University…….Help Angel…..,” Spike whispered. Buffy´s eyes winded in terror then she went into Slayer mode as she always did when she fearing something bad might happen to her loved ones.</p><p>“ Giles, we have work to do.”</p><p>
  <span class="u">Part 8:</span>
</p><p>“ How is Cordelia?” Angel finally asked after a long silence, the one question he had feared to ask. Wesley looked to the other cell his eyes holding sorrow.</p><p>“ The same as before. She just sits there. Hugging herself and rocking back and forth,“ Wesley said, his voice sounded defeated.</p><p>“ I don’t think she should be doing that,” Wesley said concerned.</p><p>“ And you know how raped women are supposed to act?” Angel asked him sarcastically, his own frustration making him lash out at the other man. As he saw Wesley’s look of hurt he instantly regretted it.</p><p>“ I am sorry, Wesley. I just…fell so damn helpless,” he said and Wesley nodded.</p><p>“ I know what you mean,” and Angel could hear the sorrow and guilt in his voice. Angel knew how hard it must be for him, having been forced to watch but unable to help her.</p><p>“ It was not your fault,” Angel told him softly.</p><p>“ I know,” Wesley whispered but they both knew he did not believe it. A loud alarm suddenly sounded and panic broke out in the corridor, commandos running back and forth. “Buffy” Angel’s heart sang. She had come. The noise grew louder and Angel wondered if Buffy had robbed an army supply before entering. The pain he felt made it hard for him to concentrate for too long at a time on the battle going on and before he knew it, Willow was helping him to his feet, she having to support him through the corridor. He saw Wesley carried Cordelia in his arms and to his right he saw Buffy, Xander and Giles firing guns at the commandos.</p><p>“ Come on, let’s go,” Buffy commanded and covered them. They all made it to the cellar intact save for Wesley who had caught a bullet in his leg and Giles who had one in his left arm. Giles closed the door to the Initiative and Willow said a spell. The commandos could not come through. They reached the green moonlight lawn in front of the University before the explosion of the Initiative made them all fall. Angel laid himself as a shield over Willow and Wesley did the same with Cordelia who he had still been carrying in his arms. Fragments of the building hit Angel and Wesley but nothing serious.</p><p>“ Did we blow up the Initiative?” Wesley asked as he painfully got to his feet. Cordelia still crushed in his arms. First now did Angel dare look at her. Her dress and hair was a mess, she had cuts and bruises all over but what frightened him the most was the far away look in her eyes. It was as if she wasn’t even there. He doubted that she was aware of her surroundings. For all the world she looked like a fine but broken China doll.</p><p>“ Yes. With quite some help from Willow and her computer,” Giles said as he too got to his feet.</p><p>      </p><p>
  <span class="u">Part 9:</span>
</p><p>Having all been patched up, the whole gang was now, 3 hours later at Spike’s house, still unable to get anything out of Cordelia. When Willow and Buffy had finished clearing her up they had helped her into the livingroom where she had seated herself on the floor and began her agonising rocking back and forth. They had all tried to reach her but to no avail. They just did not seem to be able to break through her wall. Angel entered the livingroom.</p><p>“ Where is Spike?” He asked, his eyes found Cordelia but he was unable to look at her and his eyes dropped to Buffy who sat besides her, trying to make her talk to her.</p><p>“ In there,” Buffy said and pointed to the bedroom next to the livingroom. Angel disappeared through the door and closed it behind him. With his vampire vision he quickly found his childe in the dark crushed in the corner.</p><p>“ Oh, Will,” Angel said softly, his unbeating heart breaking for him. He knelled beside his childe and gathered him in his arms. He felt Spike’s arms close around him and hugged him tighter.</p><p>“ It’s ok, William. I`am here,” Angel whispered and gently stroked him over the hair. Spike laid his head on Angel’s shoulder and cried. For the first time he really cried.</p><p>“ She is dead, Angel. She is really gone,” he kept saying, his words mumbled by Angel’s shirt.</p><p>“ I know. I know,” Angel said softly. For a long time they just sat like that. In all the years the two men had known each other, there were silently said more between them that night than there ever had before. Then Angel gently helped his childe to his feet and they went into the livingroom together. As soon as Spike’s eyes fell on Cordelia, rocking back and forth her long dark hair a curtain around her face, Angel cursed himself for not having anticipated this.</p><p>“ Dru,” Spike said happily and walked over to Cordelia.</p><p>
  <span class="u">Part 10     </span>
</p><p>“ No,” Buffy said and tried to stop Spike but Angel quickly held her back.</p><p>“ Don’t,” he said, his voice more of a prayer than a command. Spike stopped a few feet from Cordelia and began to talk softly to her.</p><p>“ Come. Let them be alone,” Angel said and guided Buffy towards to kitchen.</p><p>“ But…,” she began.</p><p>“ Spike has dealed with Dru when she was like this a 100 times. He was always gentle. He would never hurt her. We have tried all we could. Now let him try.”</p><p>The others nodded their agreement and they all left, leaving Cordelia and Spike alone together. They waited in pained silence until, 1 hour later, Spike entered the kitchen wearing the biggest smile Angel had ever seen him produce.</p><p>“ She’s alive. I knew it. I knew it,” he said happily and looked like he had hung the moon.</p><p>“ Spike...” Angel began gently when he stopped in chock. Cordelia walked over the floor and stood behind Spike, one hand resting gently on his arm. Spike turned around and kissed her passionly and she responded to the kiss with full force. When they drove apart Angel could see the same glimmer of madness in her eyes than he had seen in Dru`s eyes. Not so strongly but still there.</p><p>“ I want to go with Dru to England. She will be safer there. I will never let anyone hurt my Cordy again,” Spike said softly and stroked Cordy over the cheek. Angel looked at the dumbstruck humans then turned his attention back to Spike.</p><p>“ Do you love her?” Angel asked Spike softly.</p><p>“ More than my unlife itself,” Spike said seriously. Angel could see the love in Spike’s eyes and knew it was the truth. Angel knew that Cordelia would be better off with Spike than with him and even though he felt like he was giving his heart away he still meant it when he said:</p><p>“ Then I wish you both happiness. You and your love can probably do more for her than I or any other can.”</p><p>Spike smiled his thanks to his Sire.</p><p>“ Now wait just one moment…” Buffy began, as she understood what was happening. Angel held up a hand to silence her.</p><p>“ It is for the best,” he said, pained experience and lost memories of Dru make his voice hoarse.</p><p>Spike was about to go when he stopped.</p><p>“ What?” Angel asked him. Spike looked sheepishly at him.</p><p>“ I have this implant that prevents me from hurting humans. Can….will you remove it for me?” Spike asked his Sire. Angel looked at him in shock.</p><p>“ Why did you not come to me sooner?” Spike just shook his head. Angel sighed</p><p>“ Very well. My blood to your blood should break the hold the implant has on you.”</p><p>Angel and Spike went towards the other room as Buffy stopped Angel.</p><p>“ You are not really going to give him his bite back, are you?? He may be my friend but I don’t trust him.”</p><p>“ It’s ok, Buffy. He needs his bite to survive and to protect Cordelia,” Angel said softly but did not mention the main reason that he did it: Because he would make Spike happy. Buffy reluctantly let him go. She waited impatiently until the two men came back.</p><p>“ What is it?” She asked as she saw their dark looks.</p><p>“ When Spike and I rebonded through our blood my bond to all my children was opened and I now know who did this,” Angel said.</p><p>“ Who?” Buffy asked him confused. “ One of your own children would do this?”</p><p>“ Yes, his name is Penn. I made him to be like me but Spike was always my favourite and he hated Spike for that more than he hated me after I lost my soul,” Angel explained, he and Spike already halfway through the front door and into the night.</p><p>“ You are going after him? Wait, I`ll come too,” Buffy said but Angel warned her off.</p><p>“ This is between Penn, Spike and me. Don’t get involved.”</p><p>Then they disappeared into the night. Buffy was town between going after them after all or do what she was told. When she felt Giles hand on her shoulder, she closed the door and went into the livingroom. And waited and waited.</p><p>Part 11</p><p>The minutes seemed like days as Buffy waited for her one true love to return to her. She had her doubts about Spike. His way of calling Cordy both her real name and Dru made her uneasy but Angel had assured her that no matter what he called her he did love her and would take care of her. At first Buffy had been sure that Spike had only used Cordy as a replacement for his dead love but now as she considered Angel’s words she understood that Spike did love Cordy for herself as well as for her resemblance to Dru. And Cordy seemed very happy for Spike so she really did not have anything to complain about. She was sure that Spike would die for Cordy though she was sure that in his own way Spike was as mad as Cordy was now, his grief having made Cordy and Cru melt into one person in his mind.</p><p>Again her eyes travelled to the clock and for the first time in years she prayed. Prayed that Angel would return unharmed to her and Spike as well for she knew that Spike and Angel had a deeper bond then either vampire had ever said. With a look on Cordy who looked utterly lost without Spike she wished him home safe and sound for her sake. Suddenly Spike and Angel was back and just in time, the new day was breaking.</p><p>“ Thank God,” Buffy said and threw herself into Angel’s arms. Angel put his arms around her and kissed her. When he lifted his head he saw Cordelia in Spike’s arms.</p><p>“ It he…dead?” Cordelia asked Spike in a small childlike voice, which reminded Angel painfully of Dru.</p><p>“ He is, Pet. He will never hurt you again,” Spike promised and pulled her closer. It had been a good kill, Spike delivering the final blow that had killed the vampire.</p><p>“ You’re still gonna leave for England?” Angel asked Spike the next night. He was the only one seeing them off at Spike’s place, the others having said their goodbyes.</p><p>“ Yeah,” Spike said. He was sad to leave his Sire but he knew that it would do Dru a world of good in new surroundings.</p><p>“ Take good care of her….And yourself,” Angel said and the two men hugged. Spike then flashed Angel a smile and lifted Cordy up in his arms.</p><p>“ Don’t worry I will take good care of Dru,” he said and walked towards the door. He turned with Cordy in his arms.</p><p>“ Cordy and I will see you soon,” he said and disappeared through the door and out in the night carrying his most precious procession in his arms: his love and his heart.</p><p>
  <span class="u">Part 12:</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="u">Epilogue: </span>
</p><p>Spike stood in the bedroom of his Mansion in England and looked out over the dark landscape.</p><p>The past years truly had been kind to Spike and with a smile he knew that there were a lot more coming. 5 years after he and Dru had got to England he had persuaded Angel to make Cordy a vampire and Willow cursed her with a permanent soul like she had given Angel his soul permanent. As a vampire Cordy was no different than when alive and than was why he had wanted the curse. He loved the Cordy he had saved 5 years earlier not some soulless killer version of her. The thought of souls made him think of his Sire. He was glad that he and the Slayer had been able to work out an agreement like his and Cordy`s both now living forever. And not just that. They had found that Slayers and vampires could have immortal children so now Spike feared he would find Angel’s house invaded with children. A small noise from the bed made Spike look over at his beautiful mate. She truly was his blessing. His reason for living. He smiled at her and went over to the bed and gathered his mate in his arms.</p><p>“ I love you, Cordy,” he whispered softly in her ear.</p><p>“ And I love you, Spike,” she said gently, her eyes shining with the light glow of madness. His lips found hers in a kiss promising love. Promising forever.</p><p>The End</p>
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